We asked what the pressure feels like, and where it comes from.
65%
feel overwhelmed always or often — not only in exam week. 40% said always.
67%
named fear of failing or scoring low
60%
named parents’ expectations directly
54%
named comparison with other students
Two more, and neither is about marks: 45% said they do not have enough time, 41% named their own self-doubt. More than half named three or more at once.
Guides
Advice for each of you
My views for each of you, after reading every form entry. Listen with an open mind.
A coaching class usually cannot say this to a parent's face, because you are the customer. But it needs to be voiced, so let me say it today. It is not about every parent.
Comparison has never helped, and it never will
Comparison was the biggest word in the entries. What if I compared you to a relative with a bigger house and a bigger car — would you work harder, or just start giving excuses? Treat others the way you want to be treated.
54% named comparison with other students as a source of pressure.
Try this
This week, when a comparison is halfway out of your mouth, stop. Say something about your own child instead: "You are better at this than you were in June."
Does this sound like you?
Hug your child. Listen. Treat them like an adult.
Listening is the part that lasts. At the end of the day you want them to be successful, not just to score more.
Try this
Ask them something you do not already know the answer to. Then listen without correcting them.
Does this sound like you?
Fear was our motivator. It cannot be theirs.
The generations have changed and the motivator has changed with them. Once a child works out of fear, that becomes how they work everywhere.
Try this
Tell them about one exam or one job where you struggled at their age. How it felt, not the lesson at the end.
Does this sound like you?
Ask if they are sleeping. Ask if they feel anxious.
Ask what they feel before an exam. If they can say it to you, at least you know they are okay. Marks are a different story and that story can wait.
Try this
Tonight, ask "how are you sleeping?" — separately from "are you prepared?" Two different questions.
Does this sound like you?
Ask HOW ARE YOU first. Not how was your paper.
You can still ask about the paper. Just not first. The order tells your child whether you are asking about them or about the marks.
“Ask me how I'm feeling before asking how I did.”
Try this
Tonight, ask how they are before anything about marks. Then wait. Do not fill the silence.
Does this sound like you?
Tell them it is okay to score low sometimes. And mean it.
Saying it is easy. Meaning it is the hard part, and the test arrives the next time a low score is actually on the table.
Try this
Next time the marks are low, respond to your child first and the number second.
Does this sound like you?
Appreciate them. Even small appreciation is fine.
We think it will make them complacent. It will not — ask your kid, they are smart enough to tell you.
Try this
Today, name one thing they did. A chapter, a habit, a decision. Say nothing about the result.
Does this sound like you?
Stop saying study, study, study. Talk to them.
Students wrote it again and again: my parents say they never pressure me, and they mean it, but I feel it every day. It is in what you ask about first.
Try this
Ask once, directly: "Do you feel pressure from me? Be honest, I will not argue." Then accept the answer.
Does this sound like you?
If your child is already hard on himself, you be the gentle one
If you make your child feel like a weak person or a loser, you have lost at parenting yourself. A child who is already his own worst critic needs no second one at home.
Try this
Before you speak after a bad result, ask yourself: is he already punishing himself? If yes, you can stop.
Does this sound like you?
Do not put your burden on your child
Emotional blackmail hands them one more thing to worry about, on top of everything else. They feel the weight without knowing what it is.
Try this
Say the real thing instead, once. "I worry about your future" beats ten arguments about one test.
Does this sound like you?
Parenting is work. This is that work.
And what to actually say
Results are out, and they are bad
"How much did everyone else get?"
"Okay. First tell me how you are. We will look at the paper after."
They have gone quiet and shut the door
"Why are you behaving like this?"
"I will not ask about studies. Come and eat something with me."
"I am going to fail. There is no point."
"Don't talk nonsense, you will do fine."
"That sounds exhausting. Which part feels impossible right now?"
A relative asks about marks, in front of them
Giving the number, or making a joke at your child's cost.
"He is working hard this year. We don't discuss marks at dinner."
They want to drop a subject, or change the whole plan
"After spending so much on this?"
"Tell me the whole thing. What would you do instead, and how long have you been thinking about it?"
It is 11pm and they are on the phone, not studying
"This phone is why your marks are falling."
"Long day? Keep it for fifteen more minutes, then we both sleep."
The night before a big exam
"Is all your revision done? Are you sure?"
"Whatever happens tomorrow, nothing changes in this house. Now sleep."
They finally tell you something difficult
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"Thank you for telling me. I'm glad you did."
TODAY’S TIP
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Pressure check
A few honest questions
Not a test. Nobody else sees your answers.
Feedback
Tell us what is missing
If something here does not ring true, or something is missing, say so. Anonymously if you prefer.
If it is more than everyday pressure
Please talk to someone real
Some of what students told us went well beyond study stress. If that is where you are, a guide is not enough. The number below is free, confidential, and open any time.
14416
or 1-800-891-4416 — Tele-MANAS, Govt. of India, 24/7